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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Breaking point


So I'll just come out and say it...the past couple of days have been really hard for me.  I have hit a wall that has been building since I got here...I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted...I can blame some of that on the city but until yesterday I found a way to push through and endure it without much of a problem.  But today was my breaking point.
I have really been discouraged because I feel like everyone I share my faith with, it never really goes anywhere...It does but it doesn't...like I have had some really amazing conversations with people which is great...but my human nature wants to see results...I want to see someone trust Christ.  Out of all of the years that I have been a Christian and all of the times I have shared my faith, no one has come to Christ that I know of...and sometimes I ask, God is there really a purpose in me doing all of this?  While in my head I know the answer already, which is yes there is a purpose...I firmly believe that as long as I am obedient to the Lord and share my faith like I have been called to do then that in itself brings glory to the Lord, even if I never see the results.  and I know that and I do believe it...but sometimes it is hard to hold to that knowledge, and feeling like every conversation is going no where(even when it really is), or when my friends are seeing people come to christ and im not, its just hard for my heart...I feel so burdened for these people and I want them to know Jesus!
I have experienced similar emotions with some of my friends at school who are not believers...I want them to know Christ so bad because I love them so much and I don't want them to go to hell...it is really overwhelming and my heart is  burdened for them all of the time.  I guess the Lord is teaching me patience and trust because I need to come to terms with the fact that I can't save anybody! That is up to the Lord and that person...but what I can do is be obedient to what he has called me to do whether I feel like it or not, whether I see the results or not...it doesn't matter...I have been called to bring him glory and that is what I have to do, even when it is really hard.  Cuz it is not about me...at all!  If I go through the rest of this summer project with every conversation being frustrating, or never seeing the results of my efforts so be it...I am confident that God has called me here, even if it is just for him to find me in my brokenness and for me to try to bring him glory.
I guess another thing that kind of broke me today was we couldn't get into our campus today.  We went to City Tech today in Brooklyn and last week when we went we were actually very encouraged because the security guard was a Christian and he found a way to get us in so we could talk to students...Today things were different...we couldn't get in so we tried to find some people outside and stuff...we went to a park and actually talked to this one guy (he had been shot 5 times and lived through a 6 month coma), his story was amazing...we shared the gospel with him but he said he already accepted Christ which was cool...but throughout the day we approached many more, and no one would give us the time of day...and I know there is a purpose in that and that God's plan is so much bigger than mine but im sure you can understand how that could be frustrating.
On an encouraging note, my discipler (Caitlyn) and all the people here have been so supportive the last couple days as I have been trying to process these emotions.  They have challenged me, and greatly encouraged me.  I spent some time with Jesus right before bible study and I opened my Bible and I had opened it to Isaiah 49 and I was greatly encouraged!..I was just like WOW God thank you!  After that, Bible study was pretty sweet...we are reading this book called Prodigal God by Tim Keller and it is just great...I will have to tell ya'll about it in another post.  But thankfully my night has been so much better!  I really wrestled with whether or not I should share these struggles on my blog...but I feel like I wanted ya'll to know what I am going through and that I am not perfect...and that I am just a girl who loves Jesus but I am in process...and that is an ok place to be because I know that usually when I am at my breaking point or at my weakest...thats usually when I find my greatest strength in Him!

3 comments:

  1. Megan,

    I can completely relate to your blog entry today. I often feel the very same way!

    I want to share some scripture with you from 1 Corinthians 3: 5-11 -- "After all, who is Apollos? Who is Paul? We are only God’s servants through whom you believed the Good News. Each of us did the work the Lord gave us. I planted the seed in your hearts, and Apollos watered it, but it was God who made it grow. It’s not important who does the planting, or who does the watering. What’s important is that God makes the seed grow. The one who plants and the one who waters work together with the same purpose. And both will be rewarded for their own hard work. For we are both God’s workers. And you are God’s field. You are God’s building. Because of God’s grace to me, I have laid the foundation like an expert builder. Now others are building on it. But whoever is building on this foundation must be very careful. For no one can lay any foundation other than the one we already have-Jesus Christ."

    I'm sure you've heard this many times before, but it's just a reminder that everything that we do, for the glory of God, although we may or may not see instantaneous results, does not mean it has gone to waste. You don't know that your words have fallen on deaf ears, you don't know that you haven't affected someone in some way on his/her path to Christ. Can you imagine, that on your best friend's death bed, that he/she comes to Christ right before passing away? Did your constant support, friendship, company, words, actions, not have some sort of impact on him/her? God uses us in more ways than we can ever know. God does the impossible.

    Mark 4:26-32 -- "Then Jesus said, 'God's kingdom is like seed thrown on a field by a man who then goes to bed and forgets about it. The seed sprouts and grows—he has no idea how it happens. The earth does it all without his help: first a green stem of grass, then a bud, then the ripened grain. When the grain is fully formed, he reaps—harvest time! How can we picture God's kingdom? What kind of story can we use? It's like a pine nut. When it lands on the ground it is quite small as seeds go, yet once it is planted it grows into a huge pine tree with thick branches. Eagles nest in it.'"

    Megan, I hope this is of some encouragement to you. Believe it or not, when I was a freshman in college at Ohio State, I was not living my life as a follower of Christ...but during orientation at some point, I must have left my information, because I was contacted by what I believe is the Campus Crusade on their campus. Two girls came to meet with me periodically and I was very very closed off to the idea of going to their campus meetings. I never did remember their names, nor did I ever go to their meetings. However, God took that Spring Quarter and broke me down completely. Who would have known that I would attend Crusade at ECU that next Fall? I wish that I could go back and tell those girls that the time they invested in me did NOT go to waste, that I still remember them and their words. It may not have seemed it at the time, but it did affect me and my walk with Christ.

    (To be continued next post...)

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  2. (Continued from previous post...)

    Romans 8: 26-28 -- "Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."

    Megan, I had such a fabulous time with you last Wednesday. It was amazing and oh-so-encouraging to see that fire in your eyes. Your smile, your words, and your desire to share with the lost of the city, it is something I wish I had when I spent the last year here. I cannot believe that it has been four years since I first met you when you were an incoming freshman. I am so so so proud of you for what you are doing and how far you have come. You are truly an inspiration and encouragement to me.

    Keep your head high, and your eyes towards Christ. He will guide you in everything you do. Every one of you are making an impact on this big city. And every person that you impact, will in turn impact someone else. We don't always see the results of our actions, but we can be encouraged in knowing that God knows what he is doing, and has planned everything out the way He sees fit! I love you!

    Love,
    Dorothy

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  3. Girl Girl!

    First I am excited that I will be visiting you guys in less then a week!

    Anyway...

    I so 110% can feel for you. I can't really describe my feelings I had last year of frustration. The hard soil of NYC was really getting to me. It seemed NOBODY in NYC could enter into a relationship with Christ. It seemed like those who beleived were set and those who didn't (the vast majority) were never going to.

    It took me awhile to realize that I was bringing the gospel to people who had never heard it. Yes they had heard of religion, and Christianity, but they had never been presented with a relationship with Christ. That is monumental in itself...

    I also was blown away at Encounter when I learned of how Brandon and Ansley had taken the information that we had gotten the prior summer to them coming up and had contacted and grown alot of the stuff we started!

    So don't worry... Just keep pushing on. Stretch yourself and don't hold back. I know it might seem like you are offending people or are getting into intense debate, but press on and share truth! I'm sure you have already been presented with the no Absolute truth argument. But you are equipped with the TRUTH that goes beyond the oxymoron that is the concept of no absolute truth!

    Forgive the ramble! PRESS ON!

    See you in less then a week!

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