Believers vs. the church

So the past two days have been pretty encouraging.  A lot has happened.  Much ministry, much fun, and much learning.  Here's the highlights. 

So yesterday we went out to campus we had some time to re focus as a team and for ourselves.  My good friend/birthday twin Chris Denning led worship for us (which was awesome) and we had some time to reflect on what God has done and what we would like to see him do.  Spent some time re visiting some of the goals I have set for the summer/making new ones, and praying for a lot of stuff and a lot of people.

We went to our home campuses and Aaron and I teamed up.  We went outside to the beach area (kingsborough has a beach which is way cool) and looked for someone to do Soularium with.  I spotted a girl who looked like she might be muslim(by her dress) and I thought to myself hmm we should talk to her...and before I could even suggest it, Aaron was already making his way over to her.  So began to do the Soularium  survey.   we found out she was indeed a Muslim (big time).  Aaron and I both don't really know too much about the Muslim faith so we asked her tons of questions, and she told us sooooo much! it was really neat...she kept saying that there are a lot of similarities between Islam and Christianity.  To make a very long story short, we talked for like 2 hours...We did get to share the gospel with her a little bit just by explaining what we believe and how its different from Islam.  However she kept sort of interupting ( i dont think it was on purpose) and bringing it back to Islam so I figured there was no way we were going to get through the KnowingGodPersonally booklet with her so I wrote my information down on a KGP and gave it to her and said that I would love for her to read it because it expresses what we believe as Christ followers...She sort of started looking through it and said she would...and I know for a fact she really will read it...so even though the conversation didn't lead to any kind of decision, it was still an amazing conversation, she even said she believed she was meant to meat us and it was just really cool. 

Today we went to City Tech (the campus we usually can't get into).  We prayer walked for a bit, cuz we really wanted to get on campus and we prayed that we might find a way on.  So we had previously been told that if you "go to the admissions office" you can go in...so we asked to go...we did go for like 2 seconds but then we went to go talk to students :) God provided!  We approached a girl named Natasha.  We went through Soularium with her and through the questions, her answers, and us just dialoging with her we found out that she desired to know God.  We went through the KGP with her and she seemed really receptive...she acknowledged that she did not have Christ in her life and wanted it...but just as we were going through the last part her friend came up...which was cool...she was really nice and got to listen in on the convo...but when we asked Natasha if she wanted to give her life to Christ she said she did but she wanted to do it later...I am convinced that if her friend had not come up she would have accepted Christ...but I know that happened for a reason! We got both of their contact info and gave them ours and hope that that will not be our last conversation...be praying for them!

After that Jenny and I talked to a girl named Monika.  She is actually from Poland.  Again we busted out the Soularium.  She told us that she moved here when she was 13, she is married and has a little boy.  I am guessing she is around the age of 24ish.  When we got to the God questions she told us that her family is Roman Catholic and she only goes to church sometimes.  She is in the middle between believing and not believing, and she would like to know God but doesn't know how that happens and wants proof.  I asked her if we could share what we believed with her, she agreed and so I went through the KGP with her and Jenny and I tried to explain the gospel in a way that she would best understand.  She had a lot of questions...and said she knew some of the things we were telling her because of church.  We tried to explain that each of us have to make the decision for ourselves and that God can change us from the inside out.  It was such a good conversation and I really think Monika will eventually come to Christ...she was so close today...but we gave her our info, the KGP (she wanted to continue to look over it,process it, which is really good) and we gave her a copy of the book A Case For Christ...which was so perfect because this morning we were given a couple copies to hand out and isn't cool how God works and the person we gave ours to was someone who needs proof of Jesus :)

I was so encouraged by all of that yesterday and today but also frustrated.  I feel like ever since I have gotten here I have felt the battle between Christianity and religion.  For example the girl we talked to yesterday thought that Christians had to go through someone else to know God.  Monika thought that you have to go to church/be good and follow all of the rules to know God.  Monika comes from a Roman Catholic background...and while im not ragging on the Catholic church I am ragging on tradition.  We face the same thing in the south...people some how get the idea that all we have to do to get to heaven/know God is to go to church and try to be good.  And if these people are in church and still think this then something is wrong with how the church (AS A WHOLE) is presenting the gospel...catholic, baptist, methodist, whatever...it frustrates me that so many people think that they meet God's standard for good...why do so many miss the truth.  I think part of the issue is a lot of times we are afraid we are going to "offend" someone...well let me tell ya, the gospel IS OFFENSIVE...just look at Jesus...the truth he spoke offended people, stepped on toes, and called them out.  We are doing man kind more of an injustice by not truthfully exposing the gospel to what it really is as opposed to telling people what they want to hear and putting a big ole layer of sugar on it.

Yes People need to know that church is improtant, and that God loves him...but they also need to know that we can not earn salvation!  We can not do ANYTHING to earn God's love, or prove our goodness to him because we WILL FAIL!  We fall short...ALL OF US! We ALL come out of the womb a sinner and no matter how "good" we try to be we will always mess up!  Therefore we are unacceptable to have fellowship with God...but we are made ACCEPTABLE by the grace given by Jesus...God sacrificed himself to be the bridge...so that we can have fellowship and a relationship with him.  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God (ephesians 2:8)

This miss understanding leaves people coming out of churches empty and confused as to why they can't feel God.  Leaving them wondering if he even exists.  I know many churches do an amazing job at making sure that people understand the gospel and God's requirement for us.  But it does frustrate me when I hear stories of people being taught distorted doctrine or believing the lies that satan has planted right under our noses.

Truth is that God longs to redeem us! to have a relationship with us, and to lead us to abundant life living for him.  All we have to do is ask him to come into our lives and surrender control to him...Revelation 3:20 says "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."In Hebrew times, to eat with someone was very intimate, and was a sign of acceptance...when it says that he will come in and eat with us and us with him this means that he accepts us JUST AS WE ARE and all we have to do is invite him, accept him!then he does the rest...Accepting his grace means we no longer have to try to be good but he changes us from the inside out and we desire to live for him.  Thank God for GRACE. Im glad I gave my heart to Christ and not Religion.

No wonder Broadway screams WICKED!!!!

WOW what an amazing weekend it has been thus far! allow me to highlight!

Friday Sami and I went to the Metropolitan Museum of art with our international buddy Kathy!  It was soooo amazing! We spent like 4 hours there and prolly didn't even see half of it.  I was sure to go to the painting exhibits before we left ( I was not leaving without seeing Van Gogh and Monet)...I got to see more Warholl, Matise, Picasso, Pollock :) AND I seriously could not contain myself when I saw two whole rooms dedicated to Degas (my 3rd favorite) A room and a half dedicated to Monet (my 2nd favorite), and a partial room dedicated to Van Gogh (my number 1) I could stare at if for hours, I was just amazed!  Sami and I actually got to have some really good spiritual conversations and eventually got to share the gospel!  It was a great start to what hopefully be more conversations! Please pray that the Lord will continue to work on her heart and that she will put her trust in Christ!

Friday night our entire project went to a minor league baseball game on Staten Island! It was a ton of fun! On our way over to Staten Island a huge thunder storm came out of no where...they had to delay the came a couple of hours but we eventually got goin! It was such a fun atmosphere...like urban city meets small town community.  Seriously so fun...and our group package got us unlimited food (well hot dogs and hamburgers) and free hats.

TODAY :)

So today ROCKED! I got to catch up on some sleep...went to the Wicked lottery at 11:30 to try to get tickets for the 2:00 show but failed :( After that George and I went walkin around the city, ate lunch, and then gathered together some others to go throw the frisbee in Central Park...which was so fun!  It was sunny all day(except for a 5 minute monsoon), which has not happened much since we have been here!  LATER I went to the Wicked lottery again to try and get tickets for the evening show...AND I WAS THE FIRST NAME CALLED!  Apparently my face was pretty priceless...and I know it had to have been because the called my name and i was like what? and just walked up there...I was too shocked to be excited :) but that swiftly changed as I went back to get ready.  The show was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen!!  The set was AMAZING, the chorgraphy was AMAZING, the singing was INSANE, the flying monkeys FLEW over our heads! ah it was beyond awesome...not to mention if you win the lottery you get FRONT ROW seats for only $26.25...INSANE !!! So needless to say it has been an amazing weekend and tomorrow is gonna be sweet too because it is Sunday :) yay!

"you know I like my chicken fried"

Today was so amazing!  I am at a much better place than at the beginning of the week! praise God!

So today we started our day off at "the space" and met up with the arts track before we headed out to campus.  Today we were encouraged to use Soularium as our outreach tool.  I stinkin love Soularium because it is a picture survey...you ask students to pick pictures that represent their answer to a question...it is an amazing way to connect with people(people will tell you the craziest stuff), and start really great spiritual conversations that will hopefully lead into sharing the gospel.

So my team/some art kids went over to our home college(Kingsborough).  On the subway ride over(which happens to be very very long) I took some time to hang out with Jesus...I prayed that he would fill me with his joy today...and he did. Nathan(from the arts track) was my partner, he is great.  We prayed and then headed out...the first two convos we had were not really progressive by our standards but hopefully God used us anyways...but the third convo was pretty sweet...we talked to three teachers from the high school that is located on Kingsborough's campus.  We had a dude that could have cared less about God and two ladies who came from "religious" backgrounds growing up.  We went through soularium and got some great feed back from them...I could see that the convo could possibly die and in my head I refused to leave without sharing the gospel...it was a spark of determination that kinda freaked me out honestly...So I asked a question that related to a previous answer about God and I asked that if it was possible for us to have a personal relationship with God, what would it take to achieve that...and I was astonished when they said "oh you just have to be good and live life the best you can"...whoa...then I asked if they thought that us being "good" was good enough to meet God's standard...and the response was a little more hmmm and they said well yeah...and then it came out of my mouth, the typical Crusade question...on a scale of 1-10 what is your desire to know God personally...dude said 2, girl 1 said 5.5, and girl 2 said an 8...and then it happened...we shared the gospel with them...it was way cool and so God...and even though they didn't come to a decision, its cool Jesus has the rest.   And yeah it was fun, and praise God for all of it...the good, the bad, and those three people who took the time out of their lunch to listen to a couple of crazy Christians.

We had to be back at "the space" today by 3:00 for team time...team time is great because we get to spend time praying for eachother and talking about what God has done or what we would like to see him do...Tonight for dinner we went up to Harlem for some good ole soul food...I was so excited it was ridiculous! I had fried chicken with a helpin of collards and candied yams and a big ole glass of sweeeeeeeet tea! it was a blessing to my stomach...well until after I finished eating and could barely walk from being so full ugh!  And it wasn't even that much food...I mean it was a good sized dinner but not too much...oh well needless to say im still hurtin...but it was worth it because I felt like I was in the south for like an hour!

Please be in prayer for my day tomorrow...Friday's are the day we spend with our international student (Kathy is mine).  We are going to the Metropolitan Museum of ART, home to van gogh and monet...I am far too excited...Please pray that I will not pass out while observing two of my favorite artists but more importantly that Sami and I will get to have good conversation with Kathy and hopefully get to talk with her about spiritual things.  Kathy's boyfriend is a Christian and the staff women here have told me that she is definitely searching and wants to know more about the whole Jesus thing...so that is exciting! 

PSALM 145

p.s. RestInPeace Michael Jackson :(

6 hours of intensity

Re-deem

1.a. To buy back b. To win back

2. a. To free what distresses or harms b. to free from captivity by payment of ransom c. To release from blame or debt d. To free from consequence of sin

So today was really amazing!  God definitely sent my heart some encouragement today.  We did not go to campus today because we had a guest speaker come and well speak to us.  His name is Sy Rogers and he came to talk to us about well sexual stuff.  The staff warned us that it was going to be intense, and not to mention a 4 day talk crammed into 6 hours.  He addressed a lot of the issues that most churches are either afraid to talk about or just wont.  

There is no way I would be able to tell you everything we discussed cuz it was one crazy 6 hours but so worth it.  Sy used to be a homosexual.  His mother died when he was a child, he was molested by her partner, his dad sent him away to live with some people cuz he thought it was best for him, he felt abandoned...he started having attractions but wasn't gay but people told him he must be gay and that he should embrace it...so eventually he did...later in life he actually almost got a sex change...but long story short God interrupted his plans and came into a relationship with the Lord...He said he was redeemed.  He told us that his attractions just didn't magically go away but he wanted God more...he never gave up because God meant more...Now he has been married for 25 years and has been in full time ministry for 30.  Now this is way abrieviated but if you ever get the chance to hear this mans story then you will understand just how amazing it is!

He talked a lot about how many Christians used to try to reach out to him...but he always felt like they didn't really care, they just wanted to argue.  Or how no one tried to help him with his sexual thoughts...they just immideitly dismissed him and said those thoughts are sinful, you are wrong...how often to we "Christians" do that...I realized that it is far more often than any of us would ever admit.  How many people won't come to church because of a similar experience.  How many people will never step foot inside a church or never give Jesus the time of day because we have made them feel that their sin makes them inadequate.  Well I wish it wasn't like this because God knows every sin of every person ever made.  And if he chose to tell the world what some of us, yes even the most Godly people, I don't think any of us would ever judge anyone else ever again.  For example, take all of the people Jesus saves from sexual sin alone in the Bible...The woman at the well, who had 5 lovers, Mary Magdaline, the woman caught in adultery (which is my favorite because the pharisees try to trap Jesus by bringing the woman to him and saying the law of moses says to stone her, what do you say, and my man kneels in the sand and just starts writing, writing, and he says you who are without sin throw the first stone...point being those pharisess were just as dirty as her).  We need to not dismiss these issues, but come to terms with the fact that they are real and help people deal with them.  The reason Sy is walking with Christ today is because someone CARED enough to pull him aside and share the gospel with him, not rebuke him.

He addressed so much about our sinful nature, sexual sin and not just the act, how its about our thoughts and our behaviors...it was a really great talk...but you know one thing that gripped me was when he was talking to us about how as human beings most of us do not feel good in our skin, whether that be sexually or just in terms of who we are...and you know I know I struggle with coming to terms of how God made me and feeling good about myself, and no I don't mean sexually I mean just me being me.  I am a typical silly girl! I listen to satan when it comes to me and the lies that our society loves to tell...I live across the street from a victoria secret where there are posters up of these picture perfect women with picture perfect bodies, or if only more that 8 of us in the world could be picture perfect.  This is my blog so I am not even going to pretend that I am afraid to be vulnerable because im so not!  This is me, I am real, and I have real struggles...This insecurity of mine has never been a physical disorder thank God but it sure is a mental one...I might come across as a confident person but I tear myself up 98 % of the time.  And it is so amazing that he chose to address this because one of the things I wanted God to show me this summer is to try to see myself the way he sees me.  That he will redeem my thoughts! I am his daughter, he made me...being an artist I know what it is like to intentionally make something a certain way...to put so much love and effort into a piece...God is an artist...we are all products of his work...and God doesn't make something without putting great thought in it...I know this is going to be a struggle for me that is just not going to go away like magic...as Christians there are certain things each of us struggle with that will rear its ugly head a us throughout our life...But I want God more.  I fail so often at so many things and the only reason I don't throw in the towel is because I want God more! He is sufficient, he is a redeemer, he satisfies and justifies...and while we will still struggle in life, its ok because HE WILL see us through...and he allows us to struggle because it only makes us stronger...and he understands when we hurt because there is NOTHING he has not experienced for us!

So yeah I totally wish you could have heard this talk...there is sooooo much more to it than what I have addressed but I really think it will help me relate to the suffering world that is right outside my door...I am so excited about going on campus tomorrow and telling people that Jesus LOVES them so much it is ridiculous and it doesn't matter what you have done, where you have been, there is no sin to dirty that he can not cover, he is a healer, a lover, a father, a redeemer, and he wants to bring us back and restore our lives...he is for the un-loveable, rejected, beaten, wounded, abused, mistreated, lonely, no direction, homeless, heartless, weary, the empty...he wants us...no matter what...there is no sin to terrible that he hasn't already paid for!

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

~Romans 5:6-8

www.syrogers.com

PS. and I went running tonight in central park(I had company no worries) and it was awesome...we ran there which is pretty far, well maybe only a mile somethin and ran there and it was soooo what I needed...I just prolly do that more...and thats all!

Breaking point

So I'll just come out and say it...the past couple of days have been really hard for me.  I have hit a wall that has been building since I got here...I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted...I can blame some of that on the city but until yesterday I found a way to push through and endure it without much of a problem.  But today was my breaking point.

I have really been discouraged because I feel like everyone I share my faith with, it never really goes anywhere...It does but it doesn't...like I have had some really amazing conversations with people which is great...but my human nature wants to see results...I want to see someone trust Christ.  Out of all of the years that I have been a Christian and all of the times I have shared my faith, no one has come to Christ that I know of...and sometimes I ask, God is there really a purpose in me doing all of this?  While in my head I know the answer already, which is yes there is a purpose...I firmly believe that as long as I am obedient to the Lord and share my faith like I have been called to do then that in itself brings glory to the Lord, even if I never see the results.  and I know that and I do believe it...but sometimes it is hard to hold to that knowledge, and feeling like every conversation is going no where(even when it really is), or when my friends are seeing people come to christ and im not, its just hard for my heart...I feel so burdened for these people and I want them to know Jesus!

I have experienced similar emotions with some of my friends at school who are not believers...I want them to know Christ so bad because I love them so much and I don't want them to go to hell...it is really overwhelming and my heart is  burdened for them all of the time.  I guess the Lord is teaching me patience and trust because I need to come to terms with the fact that I can't save anybody! That is up to the Lord and that person...but what I can do is be obedient to what he has called me to do whether I feel like it or not, whether I see the results or not...it doesn't matter...I have been called to bring him glory and that is what I have to do, even when it is really hard.  Cuz it is not about me...at all!  If I go through the rest of this summer project with every conversation being frustrating, or never seeing the results of my efforts so be it...I am confident that God has called me here, even if it is just for him to find me in my brokenness and for me to try to bring him glory.

I guess another thing that kind of broke me today was we couldn't get into our campus today.  We went to City Tech today in Brooklyn and last week when we went we were actually very encouraged because the security guard was a Christian and he found a way to get us in so we could talk to students...Today things were different...we couldn't get in so we tried to find some people outside and stuff...we went to a park and actually talked to this one guy (he had been shot 5 times and lived through a 6 month coma), his story was amazing...we shared the gospel with him but he said he already accepted Christ which was cool...but throughout the day we approached many more, and no one would give us the time of day...and I know there is a purpose in that and that God's plan is so much bigger than mine but im sure you can understand how that could be frustrating.

On an encouraging note, my discipler (Caitlyn) and all the people here have been so supportive the last couple days as I have been trying to process these emotions.  They have challenged me, and greatly encouraged me.  I spent some time with Jesus right before bible study and I opened my Bible and I had opened it to Isaiah 49 and I was greatly encouraged!..I was just like WOW God thank you!  After that, Bible study was pretty sweet...we are reading this book called Prodigal God by Tim Keller and it is just great...I will have to tell ya'll about it in another post.  But thankfully my night has been so much better!  I really wrestled with whether or not I should share these struggles on my blog...but I feel like I wanted ya'll to know what I am going through and that I am not perfect...and that I am just a girl who loves Jesus but I am in process...and that is an ok place to be because I know that usually when I am at my breaking point or at my weakest...thats usually when I find my greatest strength in Him!

The empire state building is our north star

So tonight we were walking back from yogurt land which is on like 8th street or something...and we live on 34th...and my roomate Becca says "the empire state building is like our north star"...she is so right because the thing is so tall you can see it from almost anywhere so all you have to do is just walk until you run into it and your round about in the right place...I just thought it was great!

I have so much to say right now but I need to go to bed for real!  So I will just leave you with a praise that two people came to Christ today...yayyy! 

We had our monday night meeting tonight which was headed up by the arts track and the meeting was focussed on dying to self and trying to do everything for God's glory :) and then we all went to yogurt land afterwards...its such a great place...here we attempted to eat yogurt for God's glory...so serious ya'll!  

um since this is brief I'll share some prayer requests...Pray that our team will not be discouraged, but will continue to share the gospel boldly and that peoples hearts will be softened.  Pray that we will find energy in our wearyness...I tend to get really really tired in the middle of the day and that can be hard...pray that we will be challenged in ways that will produce growth for our faith...Keep me in your prayers...the Lord is dealing with me in a couple different ways that I hope to go into more detail later, I just really need to go to bed, but yeah until next time :)

Being civilized is overrated

Ya'll Jesus has blessed me with such a relaxing day!  Went to this random but not so random church, ate a really great burger, threw frisbee and ran in Central Park, and just laid around all evening...I feel so rested and that is something I have not felt since I have been here! I got to talk to my Daddy twice(HAPPY FATHERS DAY DAD!), talked to my Grandpa(Papa), my Mom, and my little brothers...not to mention one great conversation with my girl Hannah Price...she is amazing and I lover her :)

So I wanted to blog about my church experience today...So we meant to go to this church called Trinity Grace annnnd since there are so many churches with the name trinity in it we went to some random baptist church on the upper east side by accident.  So we realized what happened and decided to just stay put...totally a God thing!  I am not going to get too detailed but the message was based on MATTHEW 11.  The pastor talked about John the Baptist and how he was seen as a messy, wandering, crazy kind of guy...or a barbarian.  He offered the idea of what it might look like if Christians stopped living a life of civilized Christianity and started living like barbarians for Christ...so many people (especially christians) play it safe and miss out on living a life for Christ.  What would it look like if we were all barbarians for Christ...being crazy for him, telling people about him and not caring what anyone thinks.  Sometimes the church can be the greatest offender to the kingdom simply because we are lazy, ignorant, afraid, prideful, stuck in our ways people...but THANKFULLY our God created grace and Jesus has offered it for us to take...I don't deserve it, you don't deserve it, truth is no one will ever deserve it but he gave it to us anyways...and if we take it he promises us abundant life, fellowship with him, and the opportunity to live our lives for him...but what he doesn't promise us is a safe life...from hurt, brokenness, death, pain, persecution...but he does promise that he will be there every step of the way AND that he has been through it all!  I think sometimes we think...oh woe is me im going through this intense struggle and no one understands...well NO cuz Jesus does...I mean he died for us, he carried the sins and burdens of the entire world on his back...he knew our struggles before we knew them...why in the world would we think the he wouldn't understand.  This sermon really got me this morning...cuz this is stuff I tend to struggle with...prime example, fear.  I actually read a passage later that was really encouraging to me...its 2 Corinthians 4! You should prolly read it.  So yeah I guess my challenge for myself and for you is just to ask...what have I done for God lately?  Have I stepped outside of the box of civilized christianity at all, or even considered it?

Please pray for us tomorrow as we continue our work on campus...pray that the Lord will use us to reach students with the gospel, his love, grace, that they will come to have a relationship with him and become barbarians for Christ!

Dancing through Saturday

So today was a much needed Saturday!  I was thankful to be able to sleep in...even though I only slept until about 10:30 because some of us girls left at 11 to go get student rush tickets for the NYC Ballet...for $12!!!!!!

I felt like a little kid in a candy store when we got to Lincon Center and right in front of me were the David H. Koch Theater (which is home to the NYC Ballet) and the Metropolitan Opera House (which is where the American Ballet Theater dances).  Ever since I was little one of my dreams in life was to see the NYC Ballet perform! I was so excited! I was more than thrilled when we got our tickets!

I had planned on hanging out in central park between lunch and the Ballet.  I have wanted to go running soooo bad but I have either been too tired or its been raining...and it rained AGAIN today so that plan was outta here...but I guess it was a good thing because I took like a two hour nap and I needed it...I havn't been getting as much sleep as I need so it was nice to catch up a bit and just relax since things have been so crazy.

Those of us going to the Ballet got all dressed up :) we went to dinner at this cafe near Lincon Center and I did something really stupid.  So they had a place where you could build your own salad...and at the build your own salad places I have been to here in NY you get a certain number of toppings without charge...well not this one...I paid $14 for a stinkin salad because they didn't tell me/I didn't see it on any sign I didn't know that...good golly im an idiot...next time I will be sure to ask!  I wanted to say something but I figured Jesus loves them so I won't be a jerk.

We finally get to the theater and I was just so excited!  Seriously one of my dreams since I was a kid was coming true.  We had pretty good seats...third floor/middle left.  The ballet was so amazing...we saw A Mid Summer Nights Dream and it was just so beautiful...every movement was perfect...it was all just so perfect!  The only down side of the whole thing is that it made me miss dancing...I danced from 1st grade through 12th grade and I loved it so much...it was such a big part of my life...I stopped when I went to college, I almost wish I would have found a studio in Greenville to take from but I didn't so I have gone from a mover to an observer.  Who knows maybe one day I will be able to start up again, just for fun.  But tonight certainly was a pleasant reminder of how beautiful ballet is and how it will always hold a special place in my heart!

That pretty lady in the Hudson

So today was great! Got to sleep in just a tad. Sami and I went to the Statue of Liberty/Ellis Island with our international buddy Kathy and her friend. Kathy is from China and she is so sweet! We had to wait in line forrrrreeeeeeevvvvvvverrrrrrrrr for the ferry but it was fun getting to know Kathy! The ferry ride was neat, it was really cool to be able to see the entire manhattan skyline from the Hudson. We walked on liberty island for a while and had fun hanging out with Lady Liberty, she is so beautiful! You can see Manhattan so well from Liberty Island, it is interesting seeing the city but being away from it. It is so chaotic inside but away from it, its so peaceful looking and just so stationary! which is crazy to see it as peaceful when in reality is that its the most insane place ever! Ellis Island was fun...a lot of really neat things to see! I love history so this was a fun adventure for me! It is cool to think that I stood where thousands and thousands of people came through every day on their passage to America...it was just great...and I think Kathy enjoyed it a lot. We will be spending time with Kathy every friday...next week we are going to the Met which I am super excited about...and she wants to cook authentic schechzan chinese food for us sometime :)
Later, Sami and I walked over to ground zero and St. Pauls...St Pauls is like the oldest functioning place in the city...it is really pretty and inside it is still decorated with signs, memorials, and things from the september 11th tragedy...they have several tributes to the rescue works in there...since st. pauls was used as a refuge for them during the recovery stage. It was so sad though...broke my heart all over again honestly...and ground zero was sad too...I mean it is a place that is being rebuilt but it won't be the same...they have a picture of what the new world trade center will look like...it is several buildings but in the center is where the twin towers stood and that will be made into a memorial museum which is going to be really great!
Tonight we went to Central park for comedy night...sponsered by comedy central. we saw Pablo somethin and Gabriel Iglesias...he was so funny...now Pablo was just a little too vulgar for my taste and seemed like he relyed on his nasty mouth rather than good comedy...anyway so most of that was fun...the park is beautiful and I hope to go there tomorrow...speaking of tomorrow it is tomorrow and I don't know why I am still awake...gosh! I have to get up and get student tickets for the ballet ...so excited...seriously one of my dreams since i was a kid was to see the NYC Ballet perform...and you can't beat $12 tickets...goooodnight :)

Wednesday's blog

Exploration to brokenness

NUMBERS 13

We read this passage this afternoon at our debriefing session after we got back from campus.  It was kinda cool because I guess you could say this was an early example of decoding ;) which is something we have been doing with our campuses.

It is really neat because I can totally identify with their situation.  They were sent into the promised land to check it out, see what kind of people inhabited it/to see if they were strong or weak, to potentially claim it, and to harvest the fruits...when the spys got back some of them said that it was impossible to overtake the people living there because they were too strong, but Joshua and Caleb, who trusted the Lord knew what God had promised and knew that he would see them through.  I identify with this because I totally get how scary it is coming to a new place, where the people are strong and can seem to overwhelm you.  That is how I have felt every day we have stepped foot on a campus.  The people are many, rebellious, and most could prolly care less about God...For example I have had two conversations with atheist in the past week...one was today...

Today my group went to our home college for the first time...all the way out in Coney Island(which is like an hour and a half commute) but its on the beach which is sweet.  So I partnered up with my home boy Aaron from Lenior Rhyne.  We were trying to see if we could sit with some people during lunch and start some conversation...our first attempt failed(cuz the girl would not get off her phone) so we just ate and talked about Jesus amongst ourselves...well I notice this girl sitting by herself behind us, so we decide to go talk to her...we were going to start with a survey and she said she would be glad to take a survey (surveys are used a lot with CRU because they are a great way to begin spiritual convos)...the survey went well...we asked her about her religious background and she said her dad was catholic, her mom was agnostic, and she was atheist.  So we get to talkin and we found out she is a big science person and believes that over christianity...I could sit her and talk about everything we talked about but that would take forever!  So I am just going to say that the conversation was awesome, we talked for like 45 minutes...we asked her a couple questions about her beliefs that she was stumped on and it was just cool how we could see the wheels turning in her head.  By the end of the conversation she told us that sometimes she is totally atheist, but some days she leans more toward being an agnostic...which means even though she doesn't admit it, she def. thinks about spiritual things and has def. though long and hard about what she should believe...She is such a sweet girl...she is an artist and loves to paint and draw (like me)...we talked a lot about that...I did ask her to consider how "if" there was a God...that he created her like how an artist would create a sculpture (she loves sculpting too) and all of the time, love, energy, and passion that goes into making it...she thought about this for a second and then changed the subject...she eventually had to go to class but said she would love to talk with us some more...good thing we are going back tomorrow and for the next 4 weeks be there twice a week...I know my words might not explain my thoughts completely but it was an amazing conversation!

ALSO...my friends Alex (my adopted little bro) and Andrea got an amazing opportunity today...Jesus used them to lead someone to Christ...so cool!

It is neat because even though sharing our faith on campus is scary and its like exploring a crazy world where the people overwhelm you and it seems like you will never win...God is on our side...just like with the Israelites...and if we stand up for him and are obedient to what he has called us to do...HE will see us through and we will harvest fruit from it...and today was such an amazing example of that, and it is so cool that we ended up studying this passage after all of that happened today :)

MERMAIDS 

This evening my friend Dorothy Wu came up to visit...she lives in Jersey and came up for the night...We tried to get the lottery for Wicked tickets but didn't get them :( but hey 3rd time is a charm right, so maybe next time...but congrats to my bible study leaders who lucked out! soo we were meandering down broadway at rush hour trying to figure out what we were gonna do...we were thinking about going to the Yankes game but then spotted the Little Mermaid sign...and we went in to see how much their prices were and thanks to our student ID's we got cheap tickets...well cheap for Broadway ($30) but that is only $2.50 more than I would have paid in the lottery for Wicked...ANYWAY so we get the tickets and we sit in the balcony off to the right side which is really close to the stage...IT WAS AMAZING!!! I have never seen anyhing like it...plus I love the little mermaid...uhhh It was so awesome...I am in love with broadway now :) my favorite song was "Kiss the girl"...it was just so sweet!  My second fav was "Under da sea"...it was so fun...Dorothy was so sweet too...I had so much fun with her...And I thank her soooo much for hanging out with me for the night!

so yeah how bout im really tired and I don't know why I am still awake so im going to bed...thats all :)

You are the God of this City!

So today was our first day on Campus.  We started out at what we call "the space"...Brandon and Ansley (our track directors) broke us up into ministry teams and gave us our campus assignments.  Each team is assigned a "home campus"that we will be visiting twice a week and two other campuses that we go to the other two days.  My ministry team was assigned Kingsborough Community College as our home campus.  Kingsborough is in Brooklyn.  Our other two campuses are City Tech which is also in Brooklyn and Hunter College which is in Manhattan.  Now today was kind of an off day in the sense that our track was in charge of leading the worship meeting for the entire project tonight so we had to be there early and stuff so this left us less time at our campuses.  Sooooo instead of going all the way out to Brooklyn we went to Hunter...which was so great.

We spent a long time prayer walking and just asking the Lord to go before us and move in the hearts of those we would be encountering.  We also took time getting to know the campus and asked students questions about campus life and if there were any Christian ministries offered.  We call this "decoding"...this process is especially important at Hunter College because it is one of the places where Crusade hopes to plant a ministry.  We had the opportunity to get a few contacts and meet a couple of students who are believers...so they could be great resources for us in the future.  

While we were surveying students about their campus I met a student who was from Brooklyn and was commuting every day to school.  We asked him if he knew of any Christian clubs on campus and if he had ever attended one.  He said that he knew of a Chinese Christian ministry and he had been to it a couple of times...however after that he told us that he was an atheist. Unfortunately our conversation did not turn into a spiritual one but it really got me thinking.  We prayed for this student afterwards, but this incident just gripped a hold of my heart.  Honestly it broke my heart!  I mean I know I am here to do outreach, evangelize, and try to reach students for Christ, but when something like that actually comes out of someones mouth it really hits home...its like I just wanted to scream dude don't you know that Jesus loves you and he died for you and he wants a relationship with you! but I understand that no matter how much I want it to work that way, thats just not how it is. AND THEN we went up to a bridge that connects two of the buildings and I was looking out at the street below and in one glance I looked and prolly saw at least 100 people...in once glance...and then I was just reminded of how many people are in this city...followed by the thought of how many people are lost in this city!  Needless to say God really broke my heart for this city today!

Tonight was so great, fun, and much needed time to worship the Lord.  Every week we will have MnM (monday night meeting).  This is a time where our entire project will come together for a worship service.  Each week a different track is in charge of organizing and planing the meeting and this week it was our turn.  We had a lot of fun planning and leading worship.  Brandon, Nate, Alex, and Sam led music, Tom led us in a wonderful spiritual nugget, we some folks read scripture in different languages(that was so neat), Aaron shared a little bit of what our vision is as a campus track and our project as a whole, and I got to emcee...it was a lot of fun.  Our main focus was on worship...what worship is and what it is not.  That it is more than just songs and verses but a lifestyle.  We talked a lot about what it might look like to let this overflow into our ministry and heart for the city. we had some personal time to reflect and spend time with the Lord towards the end of the meeting and I opened my Bible and the first thing I saw was Psalm 115...

"Not to us, LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness. Why do the nations say,"Where is their God?"Our God is in heaven; he does whatever pleases him.But their idols are silver and gold, made by human hands. They have mouths, but cannot speak, eyes, but cannot see. They have ears, but cannot hear, noses, but cannot smell. They have hands, but cannot feel, feet, but cannot walk, nor can they utter a sound with their throats. Those who make them will be like them, and so will all who trust in them. House of Israel, trust in the LORD—he is their help and shield. House of Aaron, trust in the LORD— he is their help and shield. You who fear him, trust in the LORD— he is their help and shield. The LORD remembers us and will bless us: He will bless the house of Israel, he will bless the house of Aaron, he will bless those who fear the LORD—small and great alike. May the LORD cause you to increase, both you and your children. May you be blessed by the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. The highest heavens belong to the LORD, but the earth he has given to humankind.It is not the dead who praise the LORD, those who go down to the place of silence; it is we who extol the LORD, both now and forevermore. Praise the LORD."

  Reading this verse was so awesome because we had just finished singing God of the City...and not to mention the Lord had really used the day to break me for this city.  The nations are right outside my window and they are not free.  They can not see, taste, feel, or hear the way that God created them to...of course we will praise the Lord forever more but our worship does not end when we leave a service...it should continue wherever we go, through the things we say, do, and we should worship with our lives so that others can see...so that they too can worship THE God who created them to be his.  Worship God by living for him.

Tomorrow we are going into Brooklyn to decode Kingsborough CC.  This is exciting because this is the campus my ministry team will be spending the most time at.  Please pray that the Lord will use us on this campus tomorrow, that we will be able to get into meaningful/spiritual conversations with students and that he will give us boldness.  Please pray for our team as our late nights/early mornings/the city have just taken its toll on our bodies.  We find ourselves really tired and we don't want that to be a foothold for the enemy...pray that the Lord will give us energy and the ability to love on the people we meet and to make it from block to block without our legs giving out from under us. God is good and greater things have yet to come!  

Tears, songs, and a husband

Today we went to Redeemer Church in Manhattan.  The pastor (Tim Keller) spoke on the story of Hannah...it was amazing and I wanted to share my notes with you.

1 Samuel 1:4-20(read it)

In Hebrew times having children was very important to their society.  It meant not only the survival of a family but economic and social survival.  For example, the more children you had, the more hands you had to help with the family trade.  If you had no children not only was your family in jeopardy of dying out but it was socially shameful to be barren.  Hannah's heart was so broken.

Hannah's rival (Peninnah) was constantly taunting her...verse 7 says that it would get so bad that Hannah would weep and not eat.  Can you imagine Peninnah's glory over Hannah, the pride she must have felt knowing that she had bore her husband children.  Even though Hannah was her husband's favorite and had his love, this could never make up for being barren.  Bearing your husband a child was the highest form of love you could ever offer him.  Now Elkanah was a pretty great guy.  He loved her anyway...He comforts her tears and says to her "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?"....thats right ladies there is the awww factor.  But these two people (Peninnah and Elkanah) represent more than just a rival and a lover.

Peninnah represents culture.  How Hannah valued what her culture said was valuable rather than what God finds valuable.  Then you have Elkanah saying hey love me, put your worth in me, depend on me, I love you.  Hannah has bought into this superficiality so long that she is numb.  However the next thing Hannah does is so beautiful.  She stands up in the middle of the room (people think she is drunk) and just starts praying to God. "O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servants misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."  Hannah is finally ignoring and sick of the lies around her and goes straight to the Lord with her burdens. She is surrendering to him...knowing that he might not give her what she desires, but she finds peace and rest in the Lord's arms.

So lets think about our culture for a second.  How often do we listen to the Peninnah's  in our culture...like you have to look a certain way, act a certain way, or meet the worlds superficial standards to be accepted.  I know women have a hard time with this lie because I am one and just because I love Jesus doesn't mean I don't believe that junk every now and then.  It is a constant battle for us...im not pretty enough, not skinny enough, oh well if I could just look like her, or have those clothes, or lose this much weight than I will be accepted.  Or how bout those Elkanah's in our culture...where we rely on something that will only fail rather than an unchangeable, unshakeable God...like the opposite sex...let me depend fully on the love of my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend...or the love of my parents or friends...Any human relationship, no matter how great it is will fail us at some points...we are human and that is just how it goes...or what about alcohol, drugs, school work, our jobs, our ministry...seriously anything that we depend more than Christ.  Who are we to think that any of this wordlyness can ever compare to the love, security, and fulfillment we can find in the Lord.

Hannah is an amazing and unlikely example for us to follow.  She ignores the sillyness around her...stands up and runs to the Lord.  She doesn't run to her husband or her best friend saying oh woe is me I can't have kids...but she comes to the Lord, her true HUSBAND, first and crys out to him.  And he hears her, he meets her where she is...that is so amazing...to be met by the Lord...safe...and comforted.  She turns from selfishly wanting a child for her own benefit to wanting a child for the Lord, and God honored her and himself in that...and that is something to learn from.

Now God does eventually give her a son and Hannah rejoices (1 Samuel 2:1-11)...and commits him to the Lord just as she promised.

If we go to God first...as our priority...as our husband...the sufferings we have in this world might not be so sufferable.  Suffering is never meaningless...God has used the weakest moments in my life to produce amazingess through him.  Keller said "God does his greatest works at your greatest innability"...we are all human...we all fall short...but the amazing thing is that God knows that and yet he still desires us despite all of our short comings...and he wants to meet us where we are...in our deepest sufferings, pain, brokeness, and sinfulness.  Your husband is waiting!

"Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the LORD."Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.For you will spread out to the right and to the left;  your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities."Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;he is called the God of all the earth.The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God."For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back."

~Isaiah 54:1-7

The past couple of days have been truly enlightening!  We have spent a lot of time in orientation, which for us means a lot of focussing on evangelism and how to engage in cultures that are so different from our own.  We have gotten to know each other, pray for each other and the people we will encounter, and the city, which is awesome!  We have also learned a lot more about what we will actually be doing this summer.  

We found out that STARTING MONDAY we will be put into ministry teams.  Each ministry team will be assigned a home campus that we will go to twice a week and minister/evangelize/have spiritual convos with students.  Two other days out of the week we will be going to different college campuses (ones that staff have not been to yet) and we will be looking for students who are believers who might be interested in starting a ministry at their campus.  This last one is super exciting because most college campuses in NYC don't even have 1 Christian organization, and this is a great opportunity to change that.  On Friday's we will each be meeting with an international student.  We are going to be assigned an international student who may or may not be a believer.  We will be hanging out at least once a week, hopefully getting into many spiritual conversations, and hopefully sharing the gospel.  I am so excited about all of this!  I am also excited about the bible study I will be in, and being discipled by Caitlyn( a wonderful woman of the Lord on staff).  Along with all these awesome things we will still be meeting at least once a week with our Dinner group (I sooo love mine by the way), and having a Campus track dinner/cultural immersion (like going to eat authentic foreign food).  Wednesday nights are free nights, and most Saturday's and Sunday's we are off.  I can't wait to finally get into a steady routine :)

Aside from all the orientating, I have gotten to do some pretty stinkin cool things in the last few days.  LAST NIGHT the Campus Track went for our first cultural dinner in Little Italy.  We ate at a very authentic restaurant ( I had the most amazing primevera ever) and then had Gelato afterwards.  Lots of laughs and good conversations to go along with that experience.  After that several of us took the subway over to the Brooklyn Bridge.  It was soooo amazing...I am in love with the architecture.  We took a lot of fun pictures, it was rainy and foggy so it looked really neat!  We were still thirsty for more so Jordan, Malia, and I went over to Time Square.  It was my first experience and I was at a loss for words...it was so amazing!  

TODAY before Orientation we got to have extended time with the Lord.  It was so amazing!  I went to the NYC Library (the one featured in day after tomorrow) to hang out with Jesus.  That place is so beautiful!  It is old, gorgeous, and so quiet!  I read John 3 which is an awesome passage.  It is about this dude named Nicodemous, who sorta believes in Jesus but he has tons of questions.  Jesus pretty much lays out the gospel for him...I thought it was pretty cool that I ended up reading this because of the fact that most people you get into deep spiritual conversations with have crazy questions like Nicodemous...and what a great passage it would be for me to use as a refference, God you a so cool!   After we were done with all of our orientation stuff a couple of us went and walked around Grand Central Station AND THEN everyone went to the MoMA (Modern Museum of Art).  I have been waiting for this alllll week!  I was extremely excited about getting to see Van Gogh's Starry Night, it is my favorite painting ever, and he is one of my favorite artists.  MoMA is home to a lot of his work.  However all but one of his pieces are touring in Europe right now, including Starry Night.  I was so sad, on top of that they didn't have any of Monet's stuff either.  But the lady did tell me that the Metropolitan Museum of Art has some of both of their works so im gonna hit that up.  On a lighter note I was moved beyond words by this experience.  We went through the entire place with our dinner group...and our dinner group has like 4 artists in it out of 7 people so we were there a while.  I got so excited when I realized that Warhall, Matise, Picasso, and Jackson Pollock's stuff was there...seriously when I saw Pollocks Number 1 I started to tear up, I mean it just looks like a bunch of splots of paint but when you get up close to it you can see the emotion, the technique, its just so amazing...to top it off there was a whole room full of his stuff...I was like a little kid in a candy store going through the painting exibition.  Afterwards my dinner group headed back to our side of tizown and went up to the roof of the vogue and watched the sunset.  Followed by a good ole slice of new york pizza and a quick trip to KMART.  Now my feet hurt, its 2 am and I have to go to bed.   

Again I am amazed and every second that goes by I am reminded of how awesome it is that God has me here.  How brilliant it is that I am already learning things.  And how beautiful it is that God is bigger than one of the biggest places on the planet, and that he has chosen me to reside here with about 60 other beautiful students who love Jesus and we get to tell people about him.  Jesus you are so great!

I am so in love

I am so in love right now…With the City that is!  This place is so amazing, so magical! I was so overwhelmed at first but I am starting to get the hang of it!

            I guess I will start with yesterday.  Alex and I were supposed  to fly out at 9:20 am, but we were delayed about two hours because of bad weather at LaGuardia.  The flight was only supposed to be an hour and fifteen minutes but that turned into two hours because of air traffic.  So that was a bit stressful, and I am sorta terrified of flying, but the Lord took care of us and we landed safely around 1pm.  After we checked in I got situated in my apartment.  I am living with three other girls and it has been fun so far.  We had a meeting last night with the entire project (all together there are like 90 of us), they did some orientating and we had pizza (your average Crusade event food).  A group of us went to a place called Pink Berry's which has really good frozen yogurt with fruit.  AND we went on top of this place called the vogue (which is where some of the summer project people stay (I stay in Herald towers in Herald square) and it was so cool...you walk out and the empire state building is in your face and it is just beautiful to see the city at night.  But it was amazing to finally meet everyone and hang out!           

            TODAY was so thrilling!  My roommates and I got up around 8 somethin.  We went  to get starbucks, and I was so impressed because there was a huge line and it seriously only took us 3-5 minutes to get our coffee, simply saweeet!  We then headed to NYCAM (which is where we meet when its all 90 of us and where the arts track has their studio) and had more orientation.  They gave us brief history lesson of the city and we had a subway orientation.  So on summer project there are what you call dinner groups…this is where they mix you up with about 5 other people from different tracks.  They put me with two people from the arts track, two from inner city, one from epic, and of course Alex.  Once they put us in our dinner group we were challenged to go and explore the city and especially its subways.  We decided to head to little Italy for some Italian awesomeness.  Kinda took us forever to get there because of some subway miss understanding.  We finally got there and ate…I had spaghetti and meatballs…totally up there with the best spaghetti I have ever had.  After that we went to get some gelati, I had pistachio…it was pretty much amazing.  We met up with the rest of the project and went up to Rockefeller Center to go to the very top.  We spent about two hours up there, it was amazing, being able to see the entire city!  So so beautiful!  After that awesomeness my dinner group went for a walk.  We walked and went inside St. Johns Cathedral, it was so beautiful!  We went to the Plaza Hotel and actually went inside! It was so cool!  We checked out central park and went to the apple store…Im a MAC so I totally loved this adventure!  I had the most amazing salad at this place called “just salads” and then we subwayed back to where we live.  Seriously though, today made me fall in love with this city!  I have met some really amazing people who love the Lord…and I still haven’t even met half of everyone.  Tomorrow we will have orientation/training with our track, so that should be fun.  Apparently this whole week is training and then next week we will start at our campus sites.   I am so excited to see what the Lord is going to do! But for now im headed to bed because a whole day in the city will wear you out!

Finally here :)

finally here...will updated tomorrow...im tired :)

Closer and closer

Every time I breathe New York gets closer.  In just a little over a day I will begin my journey, so exciting.  The past couple days I have had a lot of time to reflect.  Here at Caswell the summer season is starting off beautifully with the arrival of the 2009 summer staffers, and the first youth week starting wednesday.  They are so excited and it is refreshing to watch.  I am so pumped about summer project but part of my heart is aching to remain at Caswell.  It is funny how you pay closer attention to things when you are about to leave a place.  Sounds, smells, everything.  I was sitting at Vespers tonight (which happens to be my favorite place in the world...yep the entire world) and its like God just started dealing with me.  I need to let go of a lot of things, and truthfully lay down some burdens that are just too much for me to handle.  I feel like every time my brokenness seems like its about to consume my life, that is when God is about to do some amazing work in my life.  While I can't explain a lot of the things that are going on in my heart right now, I can explain that God is in control...and he is about to teach me something amazing. 

For the past couple weeks a certain passage has kept coming to my mind, and is one I plan on sharing with the summer staff tomorrow at breakfast.  "I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."(philipians 1:3-6) That last part gives me so much encouragement.  He has started something and he is going to see me through!

SUPPORT

I can not even begin to express how blessed I am right now!  The Lord has provided almost $5,000 for my summer!  That is around $450 over! This is exciting, they encourage you to raise over if you can...you might ask why...well when you raise over you can have more added to your per diem or you can opt to give to someone else who has not yet met their support goal...I hope to take both routes.  To my supporters I thank you from the bottom of my heart!  It means so much that you would contribute to my mission this summer...ahhh I am so excited!